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I'm a Fucking Alcoholic!!!

This one's short and sweet (not even any pretty pictures), but marks a pretty big turning point in my recovery. So a lot has happened recently to make me proud of the title 'recovering alcoholic'. For a very long time, the term alcoholic has had incredibly negative connotations for me (as I've mentioned in previous posts), mainly down to the fact that my father is one (thankfully also recovering), and the associated memories with that, coupled with the fact that I had now ventured down the same road despite seeing the outcome of those choices, doing it anyway. This meant for a long time I strongly disliked the term alcoholic - I always preferred the term problem drinker - smacks of denial now I type it.


Anyway, one weekend recently, a friend reached out and admitted he had a drinking problem; he asked for help and after a protracted period of trying to get him to come to me, we ended up in A&E due to his severe alcohol withdrawal. During this time with him, and subsequently trying to organise rehab etc, i found myself repeatedly explaining I was a recovering alcoholic, to the hospital, to the rehab places, to his family. To myself. ESPECIALLY to myself. This is a term I've got used to using at AA meetings (I'm now a devoted convert, they are wonderful; I've found a family here and highly recommend) and never given it much thought aside from begrudgingly feeling that the 'recovering' part sort of justified and excused the cursed alcoholic part - I was working on and doing something about it; recovering meant I was trying, right? That was good. But on this weekend, I totally owned that label, my perception shifted; I've said it with absolute pride and certainty, and most importantly, without shame. It's a marker of my journey and my progress (currently just over 550 days in), and is now a great reminder of how I've fought to get to this place - sometimes of contentment and serenity, sometimes not; but sober, which is the absolute main thing, regardless of my current emotional state. And equally, it's reminded me that without working at it, I could end up back where I was before or even worse. So keep on working at it, even if it's just a tiny bit at a time. There's no rush, it's going to be there to work on and improve for the rest of my life, and despite being the most impatient person ever, I'm strangely OK with that. As my inner voice told me a minute ago (I know, another post needed on this one) 'JUST BE'. Wise fucking words for a recovering alcoholic.




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