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Looking life in the eye... my missing oblivion

Just lately, the drinking voice has been calling a little bit louder. It’s enough to manage; remembering that cravings don’t last long, and to get up and do something, anything, to take my mind off of it is the key to moving through them, for me at least. Distraction, in any form, tends to help me loads.



A recent event triggered me more than usual though – a lifechanging albeit very brief (and amicable) conversation about divorce. My ex is awesome, and I know (well I hope) that it will be OK. He is even kind enough to remind me that everything WILL be OK, so I know I am unusually lucky. But there are instances still in my life where I feel triggered, and my initial response is to pick up a drink.


Instead of doing this last night, I did two things. I played some guitar, choosing one of my favourite Pearl Jam songs (suitably melancholy) and then joined a sober zoom meeting. I almost didn’t, as the guitar was soothing and once I pick it up, it’s hard to put down (sound familiar?!) But the meeting turned out to be a good choice last night, as it usually is - the group were lovely, it reminded me instantly I wasn’t alone in this, and regardless of having amazing friends and family who are always there for me, that can’t be matched by talking to people who have experienced the same addiction and are on their own paths to recovery. Shared experience and empathy goes a very long way.


I wasn’t the only one who’d had crappy day, and as a result we talked for a while about the desire to drink; how the neural pathways are built a certain way through years of habit forming, and that it’s still a completely instinctive response to a tough moment/day/week/pandemic. One technique to counter this involves asking questions as to why we need to drink, and this is a good ‘stop and examine’ idea that I hadn’t considered before; it’s an interesting concept and enables us to recognise and be wise to the triggers in the future. But it made me realise that actually, a very strong reason for me to drink wasn’t about what led up to it, although that has an impact; it was for the end result, to achieve a complete and utter state of oblivion. To forget the problems, literally leave them behind and switch my brain off indefinitely. The danger of course with this approach is, for how long? For me, in the past, drinking was a way of conveniently ignoring the big events that were happening around me; in essence not facing up to my problems. I had my head in the sand/bottle for the first year after my split, and this meant that when I finally stopped drinking, the problems were still there – all that had happened was my ex had moved on, and I was stuck in an arrested development of misery. I hadn’t actually given myself a break, or done myself any favours – I had just stopped myself from coming to terms with anything properly.


Now there are of course lots of things we can lose ourselves in, releases, that can be a much healthier alternative than hitting the bottle. For me, exercise is one - running is a brilliant release and I do love a good punch bag session if I’m really stressed out. Equally, I love getting lost in playing music (my playing leaves a lot to be desired as my son will readily tell you, but it works for me). The escapism of a brilliant book is another - nothing works quite as well as a page turner that I literally can’t put down. Not forgetting beautiful, wonderful sleep, which is actual oblivion if you think about it - and there's no better sleep than pure, unadulterated sober sleep. I find that faced with a totally crappy day, heading to bed with a book, tea and chocolate is a fine way of escaping it all; sometimes even a 20 min catnap during the day is enough to reset me emotionally, to strengthen my resolve and feel I can cope better. (Now I think about it, I’ve been catnapping a fair bit lately. Whatever works). These are all really really good self soothing techniques that bolster my mental wellbeing. They are by no means substitutes for the oblivion of booze, but they go a long way towards setting me up to not needing it so much, and are readily available behind imaginary glass to smash in case of emergency.


Ultimately though, there’s a lot to be said for looking life in the eye – in fact, although painful, this is one of the many benefits of complete sobriety. There is no escape - not really - from life, and therein lies the secret to healthy growth. This doesn't mean you have to face up to and tackle your problems all at once and head-on Hulk style; rather it can be a form of quiet recognition to begin with. A sitting with, a nod of acknowledgment, and gently working out where to go from there. Maybe this is the reason that there isn’t an alternative ‘clean’ oblivion available to us, because it is through the seeing, accepting and responding to our problems that we can begin to grow and move on.

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